“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength”
When you suffer a great loss if your life, you never truthfully know how to feel, at least for me. There are so many things that run through your head when you hear devestating news about a loved one, or a dear friends loved one. You start to question everything you’ve ever believed in. Losing someone can either make you or break you, from experience it breaks you to where you think you won’t make it, but reality is.. God has your back even when you think he doesn’t.
In the past 3 months I have attended 5 funerals. 3 of which were all in the same week, and 1 included my grandpa. Also almost 3 years ago I had to burry my 14 year old cousin due to a four wheeler accident. Death is a big part of life, that is something everyone knows but you never really know how big of a part until it hits your family. And most of the time you don’t know how to feel or how to deal with it, because somewhere along the way you always think that Death won’t hit your family but it will. This is the time that your strength in Faith and God plays a HUGE roll in how you continue to live your life.
I can still remember the day afternoon my dad had to tell me and my little brother know that our cousin, my brothers best friend and my second little brother, had died. I can tell you everything I was wearing, where I was sitting when he told us, and the exact time as well. At that very moment in time, it felt like the world had stopped and time froze. My first reaction was, “okay so I gotta make sure that my mom and meme (my grandma) and Jean are okay”. My second thought was, ” I have to take care of Collin” ( my brother ). My third thought was, ” Why would God do this to me and my family?”. The last reaction is what I feel a lot of people feel. You start to get angry and mad at Him because you think that your family doesn’t deserve this and that your loved one was taken too soon. the truth is, you’re right. They were taken too soon for you, but for God, he was taken at exactly the right time that he planned.
For a very long time after Jean Todd died, I stopped going to mass because I was so pissed off at God for doing what he had done. He took a child from his parents and grandparents, from his nanny and his cousins, his siblings and everyone else. I let that fester inside of me for so long because I just could not understand WHY God would do this too me and my family. I started wondering what kind of screwed up karma I was getting. But after a while I had to find it within myself to forgive my God for doing what he did, because what had happened was done. I could not bring him back, no matter how much i prayed or how many tears I cried. Nothing could bring him back, and the reason is because God had him.
When God takes the people we love, we tend to think that he’s snatching them out of no where, when what he’s actually doing is wrapping them in his arms and bringing them Home. We tend to forget that Gods plan and our plans almost NEVER are the same. He is the only one who truly knows how your life will go, you do have some say in how hard it will be but for the most part it’s out of our hands. You have to take what he gives you and make the best of it. You can not dwell on what has passed. You have to remember to keep your faith in His plan, because His plan is the only one that really matters.
If you start to loose your faith, look around at everything God has blessed you with. Wether it be your house, your family, your animals, or even just the weather outside. The last 2 months have been a great test of my faith and I think that I’m doing a damn good job of reminding myself that my loved who have gained their wings are no longer suffering. In the sand of a week and a half my boyfriends 1st cousin had died, 3 days later my Papa ( my grandpa) had died and the next morning, one of my very close friends died at the age of 21. Instead of being angry this time around, i tried my best to remember that even though I don’t understand why God took them from us, I had to trust in His timing and know that it wasn’t a forever goodbye, it’s just a ” see ya later”.
So, I guess what i’m trying to say is that, no matter how you grieve, keep your faith. Faith and your family will be what helps you get through it. Don’t be afraid to go to mass and let God know how you feel, even though He already knows I feel like He likes when we express it to him. I still cry EVERY time I sit in mass. Being in a pew and listening to Father say his homily, some how ALWAYS relates to something that reminds me of my people that are now angels, and at that point I can’t stop my tears. Never be afraid to let your emotions out in mass, its a healing process.
In loving memory of my sweet angels watching over me at all times, this ones for you.
